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LOST IN SPACE-The Curse of Cousin Smith, West of Mars


Chase - Posted on 19 September 2009

THE CURSE OF COUSIN SMITH

WRITER-BARNEY SLATER

DIR-JUSTUS ADDISS

MUSIC-ROBERT DRASNIN (with many older musical cues from past shows)

NARRATION: Last week, as you recall, we left Will and Penny peacefully (?) birdwatching, unaware high above them a passing spaceship was about to hurl an incredible visitor down upon their forgotten planet.

 

TEASER-fully recapped with a long shot opening and an extra few seconds of footage at the opening as Will, Penny, and Robot walk--not included in last week's shots.

 

Night--Robot follows Penny and Will on a long trail in a long shot. Penny and Will walk down the trail and the camera gets closer. Robot is behind them. With the binoculars, Will wants Penny to just take notes and let him do the bird watching, "I'm the man around here and men give the orders."  Penny mocks Will's attempt to shave this morning--all he managed to do was cut was a huge hunk of skin--and now he has his chin bandaged a bit. Will claims he was just practicing--he didn't know there was a blade in the razor. Will tells her every time he takes her along, "It's nag, nag, nag."  They argue about their use of the language, starting with Penny's phase  "habit pattern."  Will makes fun of Penny's wording, making a feminine pose, "The neck is angular with a gentle pink band running around its face, the legs are slender, graceful with a delicate...sounds more like you're describing a fashion show than a bird."  They argue more but Robot stops it, telling them they both have a good grasp of the English language but a specimen will get away if they continue arguing. ORIGINAL MUSIC starts here, quite different for LOST IN SPACE. We hear the bird and see some stock footage of it on a small tree--a real tree, not part of the set. They've already categorized this one: it's a plumpbellied Dr. Smith sapsucker. Penny wonders why the others have Smith's name in them as well: a Dr. Smith Whinedottie and a Dr. Smith goldfinch. Will doesn't ask Dr. Smith to come with him anymore---Robot says, "Otherwise every bird on this planet would have Dr. Smith as part of its name."  A spaceship passes overhead. Penny looks up, "C'mon Will, we'd better get back to the Jupiter II."  Will notes that someone is throwing something out of the spaceship--luggage, trunks, and suitcases. Robot warns, "Warning! Approaching danger!" A large trunk, the parachute not opening, crashes to the ground. Penny screams and runs, apparently dropping her note pad. She runs to a safer spot, "Will lookout!"   A crate comes right toward Will. THIS EXCITING SCENE IS MARRED BY POOR EXECUTION--AS WE CAN SEE THE ROBOT WAITING TO PUSH WILL OUT OF THE WAY AT THE LAST SECOND. Really poor and this motion actually gives on the impression that The Robot is pushing Will under the falling crate!!! Robot pushes Will to Penny and the crate is avoided. The parachute on the trunk didn't open. Robot calls, "Will!!! Penny!!! Are you all right? Are you alright?"  Will goes to him. Robot says, "I have been programmed to protect others--also you are my friend."  Will puts his hand on the Robot, "And you're mine!"  Penny and Will open the trunk and see cards, dice, and other gambling things. They hear a groan and go to a man--a man with moustache. He doesn't seem injured and is laying on a parachute. Maureen, John, Judy and Don come, having seen the spaceship as it flew overhead. Maureen says, "Well, at least he looks pleasant enough--not like some horrible growling monster."  GUESS WHICH I'D PREFER? Smith arrives and screams and runs off. As the man awakens, Will figures he cannot understand their language but the man can. John asks, "Who are you, sir?"  The man says, "Have no fear my good people--Jeremiah Smith is here."

 

ACT ONE   

Maureen gets some more coffee for Jeremiah by going inside the ship and getting it from the Control Room table. As she comes back outside, we hear a wonderful mysterious piece of NEW music as the titles play and the "action" (and I use the term loosely) continues. Judy, Don, John, Jeremiah, and Maureen are around the table. Colonel Jeremiah Bouleregard Smith thanks Maureen for the dinner. Judy comments they have a Doctor Smith with them so Jeremiah says it is a common name throughout the galaxy but none are from his particular branch. He mentions he was on the planet Tauron but is not a native of it--he is a "citizen of the universe and new sights and sensations."  Judy says, "Well, I'm afraid you made a mistake coming here--there isn't much to see or do."  Maureen says, "Oh,"  in that patronizing way. Jeremiah consults, "Life is as exciting as you make it."  He should know. John sent Penny and Will to round Smith out. Jeremiah heard there were Earth people on this planet and he had to pay a visit to his own kind. NOTE: DOES THIS MAKE ANY SENSE? Is space travel throughout the universe now common place, only a year and a half or so after the Robinsons took off? How or why would Jeremiah, so obviously a hat wearing Texan or other southerner, be traveling around in outer space? We aren't told. Maureen tells him that he way Will described it, it looked as though Jeremiah and his things were thrown overboard. Jeremiah laughs, quite phony. Penny and Will tramp out the ramp and tell them Smith refuses to come out of his quarters. Don tells Jeremiah that Dr. Smith's behavior is always puzzling. As all turn in for the night, thanks to Maureen's patronizing, "Does anyone notice what time it is?"---John says to their visitor, "The Jupiter II doesn't have any extra sleeping accommodations but perhaps you'd like to try the...ahh..."  Jeremiah will leep under the stars in his sleeping bag. We hear a variation of the "HAPPY MUSIC"  from THERE WERE GIANTS IN THE EARTH. Jeremiah plots, once everyone has gone inside---he knows Smith's full name and knows him. Will is asleep. In a storage compartment, smoke arises. We see Smith and later Penny asleep--yes, in different compartments. Smith has a ray gun on his pillow. He gets up and, after a double take, yells, "Fire!"  Alarms go off. Maureen and John come out of their cabin, in robes. Maureen says, "Oh John!"  John tells her to get the children outside. Smith screams at Jeremiah and runs off.  Maureen comes out with the coughing kids, "There's a fire on the Jupiter II."  They are in their robes. John (in a dark green night robe) and Don (in a yellow night robe) come outside--a release valve from the compression units slipped. Don checked it out a couple of days ago. Will and Penny worry about Dr. Smith lost out in the wilderness. Judy puts her arm around Will; Penny wants to go find Dr. Smith. John tells them he and Don will do that. Jeremiah tells them he seems to have mislaid his sleeping bag and asks if he can use Dr. Smith's quarters, doubting Smith would mind. When Don asks how he knows that, Jeremiah tells them, "Because, Major West, blood is thicker than water and Zachary and I are cousins!"   Maureen looks at him, stunned, "Cousins?"  Jeremiah shakes his head in a sickeningly coy way.

 

ACT TWO

Morning--OLD MUSIC-THERE WERE GIANTS IN THE EARTH as Maureen washes dirty dishes in a device, pressing buttons on it, and takes all the dirty utensils, now clean, out of a drawer. John comes to her and yawns, having been out half the night searching for Dr. Smith with Don. Jeremiah comes out--he missed breakfast. Maureen offers to fix him something but he will eat twice as much at lunch. John asks why Jeremiah didn't tell them he and Zachary were cousins. It seems they had a difference of opinion some years ago. John asks him to help he and Don with a new transistor unit but Jeremiah has an old spinal injury which was spurred on by that fall the other night--bad backs run through the entire family. John tells Maureen as Jeremiah leaves, "Now there without a doubt goes a true Smith,"  telling her he knows by "his violent aversion to work."   Will gardens in the ground--there are hydroponic tables up but also a garden in the ground. "It's sorta fun to help things grow."   Jeremiah drops a pistol and picks it up so Will doesn't see this. Will tells him, "You sure are a lot like your cousin,"  and he is glad he is here because, "Dr. Smith needs family around him."  Jeremiah tells Will he and Zachary are the last of their line. Robot arrives and refuses to bring Jeremiah to his cousin. NOTE: Will looks a bit older in this episode and seems to have aged and grown quite a bit since BLAST OFF INTO SPACE. He also has the band aide off his chin and has a cut on it. Robot says Dr. Smith feels these things toward his cousin: suspicion, distrust, contempt, repugnance, and extreme fear. Jeremiah moves to throw a tomato at the Robot but Will stops him, "Let me talk to him."  Penny, later, packs Smith's underwear (?!), socks, toothbrush, shaver, hot water bottle, and waits for Will to bring a sandwich and thermos. Maureen, near the Jupiter, is making a cream pie. Jeremiah comes to her and complains about Zachary not wanting to see him. Maureen says, "Dr. Smith is just going through, ahh, one of his difficult periods."  She tells him that this pie is one of Zachary's favorite desserts. Jeremiah asks for it to give to his cousin. Maureen lets him have it. Behind rocks, Jeremiah opens a suitcase near red and blue bushes. He puts something in the cake. Will packs the lunch kit when Jeremiah gives him the pie to put in. Jeremiah smiles, "I believe my pie will eloquently express my true feelings."  

 

Later in a filler scene, Jeremiah shows Maureen, Penny, and Judy card tricks--accompanied by some of the worst music ever heard on LOST IN SPACE--a hillbilly geeky type of music--some kind of reject music from a bad Western. He pulls cards from Judy's ear and does the same to Penny and Mrs. Robinson. In the funniest line in this entire episode, Penny, innocently, asks Jeremiah--as if she was already shown a trick by Jeremiah, "Why don't you show us the one where the dice come up seven every time."  Maureen, dopey as ever, asks, "What?"   Jeremiah shows them the shell game. Maureen says, "I always thought that was dishonest."  Jeremiah says, "Not the way I play it."  Judy finds the ball under the red cone, then Maureen does, too. Jeremiah begins to ask them to make a wager when Don and John arrive. Don says the game is button button, who's got the button (what's wrong with him?). John tells Judy, who guesses where the ball is this time, "No, darling, it's in his hand."  He was cheating but it was just a "joke".  Maureen says, "That's enough FUN AND GAMES for now."  Unto something serious Maureen: DINNER!

 

Later, Robot returns with the lunch basket, telling Jeremiah that Dr. Smith has an answer for him--a Brooklyn-Bronx cheer (a fart sound). Robot gives him the basket, telling him Dr. Smith has something for him, then turns his upper body around and makes his treads take him off, "Feet do your stuff."  Jeremiah opens the basket and it blows up. He ducks.

 

ACT THREE

Will, John, and Don come running out calling Colonel Smith, who has pie on his face. Robot knew this would happen. Of Dr. Smith, John says, "Now he's done some strange things in his time but he's never resorted to violence before."  NOTE: John has selectively forgotten ISLAND IN THE SKY and other early episodes. So has Don. Jeremiah tells them Great Aunt Maude (Maude Finlay Smith?) was rich, untrustworthy, and arrogant, a true Smith, and she lived to 110. Will says, "Dr. Smith never mentioned any of his relatives to me."  NOTE: See GHOST IN SPACE for a contradiction to this. Robot tells them Dr. Smith dictated his memoirs to him: Maude left a will--her fortune goes to the sole surviving Smith. (Maybe Fortune is the name of her parrot--see THE HONEYMOONERS). Don says, "Oh sure, Smith's trying to get rid of his cousin Jeremiah so he can get his Aunt Maude's millions."  HOLD ON: How is Smith going to collect? Will defends Smith, "I don't believe it--Dr. Smith may be a lot of things but he's not a murderer."  See THE RELUCTANT STOWAWAY. Jeremiah says, "How little you know the real Dr. Smith, William."   John says, "Somehow this still doesn't add up."  He recommends Jeremiah stay away from his cousin. Jeremiah fake cries. Cringe now. Night--Jeremiah calls a contact on his radio--which gives a loud static burst ala Dr. Smith's radio in THE DERELICT. Little Joe's secretary--a male--answers and gets Little Joe (BONANZA this ain't!). Little Joe sounds like a gangster or a bookie and we hear gangster type music. Jeremiah owes Joe money. Jeremiah wants him to send a gambling machine to eliminate Zachary. Who the heck is this Joe--an intergalactic alien or some traveler from Earth? Not told. THEY (production crew and writers) JUST DIDN'T CARE. Day--Will talks to Robot, telling him he will ask Dr. Smith if he planted a bomb, "He'll tell me the truth."  WHAT? WHO'S HE KIDDING? Robot says neither Dr. Smith or his cousin is truthful. Robot calls a warning as they head toward the place Dr. Smith continues to hide out in. Jeremiah comes out, telling them he will renounce his claim to the fortune. He pulls out a first season laser gun and destroys a bush--thinking a hidden danger should be blasted. Dr. Smith is in a cave beyond the rocks. Robot calls Dr. Smith. Jeremiah can hardly wait to see him but when Smith comes out, Jeremiah moves at him with the laser gun, pointing it at his cousin. Jeremiah falls into a hole in the ground--a trap set up by Smith. Lower deck: John and Don fix wiring. John, the dope, tells Don Jeremiah could have been seriously hurt--didn't Will tell him that Jeremiah lied and then pulled a gun on Dr. Smith? If not, Will is the dope. John says the cliche, "You know having one Smith around's bad enough but having two can make life impossible. Every time a door opens, I'm afraid it's gonna explode."   Don tells him, "Let them do what they wanna do--the world's full of Smith's--two less won't be noticed."  John thinks this whole thing is silly. HE'S RIGHT for once! Night--John brings Jeremiah to the cave as Jeremiah states, "Professor Robinson you are leading me to my grave."  John wants them to bury the hatchet. Jeremiah relates that the last time a peaceful resolution was attempted, there were ten cousins left alive and the ensuing bloodbath made the St. Valentine's Day Massacre look like a tea party. John calls Smith out. Smith opens the rock, there are torches around for light. John tries to have a peace conference. Jeremiah mentions his gray hair. Smith was at the bedside of Aunt Maude in the end--Jeremiah directs a FOUL PLAY accusation at Smith. Smith, with a sore throat I might add, says, "Are you accusing me?"  He tells John that it was Jeremiah who gave her medicine shortly before her relapse. A coroner's inquest found Jeremiah innocent. Smith calls it a miscarriage of justice. Smith yells and they escalate into a fight. Smith tells him he thrashed Jeremiah as a youngster and will do it again. John yells at them to stop and holds each back from the other.

 

ACT FOUR

Jeremiah dreams of wine, women, and song and all that stands in his way is one puny Smith. He recalls Joe. The gamblers union prevents him from knocking anyone off unless they owe a debt. Jeremiah tells him Zachary is a compulsive gambler. Joe has the machine sent on its way. Jeremiah then talks to himself, something Dr. Smith, surrounded by torches in the cave, does, talking about millions. He hears the gambling machine saying, "Place your bets, gentlemen."  He goes out and hears pop sounds and winning comments. We hear a tepid gambling music soundtrack now. Yeech! Smith joins Jeremiah at the gambling machine which comes with three chairs and three screens like a slot machine, "Jeremiah, can I play, too?"  Jeremiah lets Smith play on credit. Smith wins on number 9 and number 6 and wins and wins. He says, "Rich, rich, rich, rich,"  and "money, money, money, money, money."  Later, Smith loses several times. Jeremiah took his own jacket off. Smith loses on number 7 and is at the end of his credit. He offers his wristwatch but the machine says, "This is not a pawn shop."  Smith offers up the Jupiter II, "I am part owner a spaceship--it's worth a fortune."  Smith bets number 5 and loses--his hair messed from a night of losing. Jeremiah suggests they bet the money Aunt Maude left them. Smith tells Jeremiah to guess the number, "You always were the lucky one."  Jeremiah guesses 007 (BOND, JAMES BOND). They pull the latch together. They lose. Smith gasps, "No, no!"  Smith tells the machine it and they can only get Aunt Maude's money when one of them is left. The machine points a laser gun at Jeremiah who says, "We made a deal, remember."  It points the gun at Smith and Jeremiah gets up. The machine says to Smith, "Then I shall eliminate you."  Smith is stuck to the seat and Jeremiah taunts him in a very dumb scene (complete with Western music from WELCOME STRANGER). He pulls free and runs. The machine glides after him and Jeremiah and blasts a tree on the way. Both Smiths run to the Jupiter II ramp where John stops them both. They explain to him and Maureen; John leads them both out. The machine will destroy the spaceship if they don't come out. Jeremiah is the eldest--Smith figures he should die first. In time, they will get their fortune and give it to the machine. John says, "Now I understand."  Half the spaceship is to be given over to the Friendly Universal Gambling Machine but John asks for, "...a chance to get even,"  stating, "There must be some other way to resolve this."  John makes a wager---and puts up the rest of the spaceship to cover the Smiths' losses. John doesn't want to play a machine at its own game and wants to try his own game, telling the machine it told him it would accept any kind of gambling action. John, followed by Maureen, go to a crate of Jeremiah's. Maureen says, "John, you're not going to risk gambling away the spaceship, are you?"  John answers, "I can't let the machine kill Jeremiah or Smith, can I?"  He finds the shell game and sets it up for the machine and begins the game. As Smith complains, Jeremiah says, "Oh shut up and think good thoughts."  The machine thinks the ball is in the center one. John lifts it--it is not. We hear the happy-faster music as the machine blasts off in a bunch of sparks. Maureen puffs, "Oh, well, I've just been through one of the most awful moments of my life."  John says, "Well, all of living is a gamble, Maureen."  John says, "I went to school with a boy who's father owned a carnival--he taught me how to work the shells."  They looks under a cup that Jeremiah picks. When Smith wants to check the last one, John grabs his arm and then throws the cones so they cannot check where the little ball was. Smith snootily says, "I don't think there ever was any ball under any shell."  John says, proudly, "How dare you make such an accusation against me, sir."   Jeremiah laughs, "He's right. You cheated."   John says, "You say I did, I say I didn't. Let's leave it at that."  Maureen and John walk off. Smith says, "I got us out of that one."  WHAT A DOPE. Maureen looks back, "John, was the little ball really under the last cup?"   John says, "Maureen, there are some things a man must keep to himself--that's one of them."  BLAST OFF INTO SPACE end music is heard.

 

CLIFFHANGER: Day--goofball music is heard as Smith watches from the rocks as Maureen, John, and Don are at the table ready for lunch. Judy comes with a bowl. Will and Penny come out of the ship and sit to eat. Smith comes running and lies about space monsters so he can eat ragu and mushrooms. John moves the platter and won't let him eat until he gets a cart of cobalt ore for the rocket tubes. Robot tells on Smith, "Dr. Smith was asleep, not working."   Smith says, "I'll attend to you later, you infamous informer. Very well, Professor, there were no space monsters."  This menial work is beneath Smith. John tells him, "You'll eat after you grub up that ore."  Maureen asks, "Oh John, can't it wait--it's his favorite, now, I fixed it especially for him."  John, SMART FOR ONCE, says, "No darling, it's about time that the good doctor develop a sense of responsibility."  Smith will go on a hunger strike and die of starvation to which John says, "Hah!!!"  Don hits Smith's hand away from food, "Go get the ore."  Smith says to Robot, "Just you wait!"  He brings the ore to the cart which is on a rail track. In the background is a moss covered tree. Will comes running, "Dr. Smith, I brought you my dessert."   Smith says it is lovely and delicious, "You could have brought some coffee too you know."  They hear a sound and Will yells, "It's some kind of spaceship!" A blast hits and Smith yells, "Ahhh, they're bombing us!"  He and Will run for cover amid the rocks, Smith covering his head, "Ahhh, we're being invaded!"

 

TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK, SAME TIME SAME CHANNEL

 

REVIEW: If anyone were to see THE THIEF OF OUTER SPACE, THE CURSE OF COUSIN SMITH, followed by the equally dreadful WEST OF MARS and the downright horrid and wasteful A VISIT TO HADES, they would think, rightly so, that LOST IN SPACE was the worst television series ever made! THE CURSE OF COUSIN SMITH has so many plot holes not the least of which is where did Jeremiah go at the end of the last act? Did he leave the planet? If so, how? And why couldn't the Robinsons leave the same way? Did he go back to Earth? Or did he go to some other planet? Is he still on the planet? If so...oh, who cares? Another inane plot--having Smith's cousin casually dropping by the far off outer space planet via some spaceship---we aren't told if it is alien or Earthling--one would presume since Jeremiah claims he was eager to see Earth people again--it was an alien spaceship. If it was an Earth one, why didn't they rescue the Robinsons? And how on Earth could an Earth ship get this far if it was hauling a buffoon like Jeremiah? We are not told. What's more--how did Jeremiah become such a "citizen of the universe"? Was he kidnapped off Earth by aliens? Did he have contact with aliens before leaving Earth? Henry Jones, so good as Mr. Pem on VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA's episodes A TIME TO DIE and NO WAY BACK, is mediocre here, not really funny and very annoying as Jeremiah. The gambling machine was a nasty piece of work but rather silly when one thinks about it. Also--if Little Joe, the very Earth like voice that Jeremiah contacts, an alien? Are we to believe he is an alien with so Earth like a voice and expressions? This episode is everything LOST IN SPACE should not be--a GILLIGAN'S ISLAND type of show--with a I-JUST-HAPPENED-TO BE IN THE AREA OF YOUR DESERTED ISLAND-PLANET AND THOUGHT I'D DROP IN sitcom. Skip it if you can. It will put you to sleep but is so noisy it will then wake you up--sheer torture. The new music, what there is of it, is silly and grating, not like most LOST IN SPACE music. There are also plenty of older and better tracks used in this episode. Lots of gangster sounding music.

 

 

 

 

WEST OF MARS

WRITER-MICHAEL FESSIER--who?

DIR-NATHAN JURAN-usually a pretty good action director, NOT HERE!

MUSIC-ROBERT DRASNIN-a pretty good score!

 

NARRATION: Last week, as you recall, we left an angry Dr. Smith working at enforced labor, unaware that both he and Will Robinson were soon to be spirited off to a distant planet on the far western frontier of outer space. (NOTE: WITH AN OPENING NARRATION LIKE THAT, YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO CONTINUE WATCHING THIS ONE!)

 

TEASER--NOT fully recapped--missing the whole lunch scene and includes a very short scene of Smith laying against a rock.

 

Smith lays against a rock during the narration, instead of working. He seems to be sleeping but takes a bit of ore and flings it into the rail cart (this short opening scene is missing from the last week's cliffhanger). Later he brings the ore to the cart which is on a rail track. In the background is a moss covered tree. Will comes running, "Dr. Smith, I brought you my dessert."   Smith says it is lovely and delicious, "You could have brought some coffee too you know."  They hear a sound and Will yells, "It's some kind of spaceship!" A blast hits and Smith yells, "Ahhh, they're bombing us!"  He and Will run for cover amid the rocks, Smith covering his head, "Ahhh, we're being invaded!"  They reach the safety of rocks, Smith claiming, "It's the end of us! Our little planet is doomed--perhaps the whole universe!"  HOW THE HELL DOES HE KNOW? A sound device--a long pole--lands in the cart with a flash of sparks. Smith grabs Will around his neck and brings him close to him, using Will as a shield as always. A voice--Space Enforcer Claudius--who sounds a great deal like the Voice of Little Joe in THE CURSE OF COUSIN SMITH--calls out to Zeno to give up, Zeno being a criminal and a super swift. NOTE: I have a theory---now follow this now---Little Joe was so mad--and the Gambling Machine sounded like Little Joe--Little Joe was so mad--that he disguised himself as the Space Enforcer to kill Dr. Smith! NO? Well, it was a nice diversion from this crap called WEST OF MARS. A super swift, Smith explains to Will can draw a gun in the blinking of an eye--a  fame and glory killer--a killer without a real purpose for killing. Will says, "Let's get back to the Jupiter!"  Smith feels they are doomed--he feels the cold flutter of black wings. Zeno, a man dressed in black and with a black cowboy hat on, watches the two leave. Viewers-leave with them.

 

ACT ONE

Will and Smith stop running. Will asks, "Dr. Smith, why is it when you're scared you run for awhile, then you give up--if you don't want to get killed, why don't you get out of here?"  They hear the sound of a landing spacecraft--the Space Enforcer. Smith wonders about the reward for leading to the capturing and hanging of Zeno. Zeno grabs Smith as Will moves off toward the Enforcer. Smith has heard of Zeno and tries to con him. Zeno knows Smith's name since that is what the kid (Will) called him. Zeno says, "I look exactly like you."  He makes them change clothes, Zeno's voice is low in pitch and he often uses the word "pussycat" (and later calls this to the Robot and Judy, among others). Amid goofy music and goofy dialogue, Will is with the Space Enforcer who plays a guitar he has (?) or is it Will's? The Enforcer wears a spacesuit from DESTINATION: MOON (also used in THE TIME TUNNEL-ONE WAY TO THE MOON, along with stock footage from that movie as well!). Enforcer gives Zeno 24 minutes to give himself up much to Will's annoyance. Enforcer then finishes his story about the planet Mephisto or about some criminal Mephisto. Smith tells Zeno he is not a murderer but Zeno forces Smith to do what he wants and tells Smith this lifestyle gets in the blood. He never shot anyone in the back but might shoot Smith. He covers Smith, forcing him to go to the Enforcer at the Jail SpaceShip (which has bars all around its platform). Smith surrenders as Zeno, calling Will a little dumbbell when Will calls him Dr. Smith. He confesses to 25 killings, 36 if it will make the Enforcer feel better. Enforcer grabs Will as a material witness and takes him and Smith in his spacecraft. A curtain appears and they lift off. Will isn't sure Smith is Smith and not Zeno. Smith asks Will to forgive him for calling him a little dumbbell. Zeno is below, a doppelganger-a double. Smith tells Enforcer that he is Smith--a physicist and mathematician but Enforcer counters, telling him so was Zeno. Enforcer will send a message to Will's parents. Smith sits, "Oh the pain, the pain."

 

ACT TWO

Don and John with laser pistols and belts on, look for Will and Smith and find the lunch basket. Don wonders if Smith was right about those space monsters (WE WISH!). John says something landed last night--the scanner showed it. Robot slides into the area==we hear the door sliding electronic sound. Robot has the message about the Enforcer, "He has Will in custody."  He also tells them the alien will let Will go after the trial and execution of Zeno. Smith is still lost they figure. John and Don tell Robot to help search for him. Robot tells Don, "I do not wish to find Dr. Smith. He insults me."  Don says, "Well, neither do I but he's our only link to Will."   Enforcer looks as they pass Casseopia and possibly Sagittarius. Will strums on the guitar. Smith tries to get the Enforcer to go to Earth where he has influence and affluence (Aunt Maude's money?) while Enforcer looks at his map. Smith asks about how much fuel they have and the Enforcer tells them his craft is driven by super atomic Oraxian overdrive. Of Earth, he tells Smith, "That planet is off limits to me--it's outside the Galactic Federation (THE TOMORROW PEOPLE? BLAKE'S SEVEN?) I serve. He also says, "I understand you once made an illegal visit to that planet, Zeno,"  meaning Earth. NOTE: Zeno once visited Earth. Smith tries to bribe the Enforcer--an offense worse than murder and the punishment is being thrown into a pit of space vipers. On the Robinson's planet, Robot finds Zeno who tells him he is far from the junkpile. Zeno smokes a cigarette (a fire stick Zeno calls them). Robot says, "You do not compute. Dr. Smith does not bear arms."  Zeno tells Robot he found the gun near Black Rock Canyon. Robot tells Zeno that the trail is marked clearly--not even Dr. Smith could get lost, "I must warn the others there is a dangerous alien among us."  When Zeno threatens him, "I am not programmed for fear."  But he is programmed for self preservation so Zeno threatens him. The story: Zeno is Smith, acting strange because he was hit on the head by the desperado Zeno. "Now tell me about all the others on this planet."

 

Robot is threatened into it, "This planet is inhabited by Professor John Robinson, his wife Maureen, his daughters Judy and Penny, and his son Will..."

 

In space, Will is told by Smith, "...and our pilot is Major Don West."

 

The Enforcer is shaving with a razor. NOTE: Through the curtains over the bars, we can see outer space and star systems. Smith laments that Will has turned against him, "...a child I cherished and loved, yes, even defended with my life."  He also tells Will he can lie alittle. Enforcer hears this and tells him that is a crime. Smith asks if the punishment is boiling in oil and Enforcer says, "Correct."  He also tells them that since Will is a witness, there will be no trial. Smith hears this and gets upset. They come upon the planet--a dark, meteor pock marked asteroid (it is in fact the prop or stock footage of the Thief's asteroid from THE THIEF OF OUTER SPACE) like planet. Smith, still upset, grabs the controls and crashes the ship. It is slanted after the crash. Smith's voice is heard, "Help me, Will, I'm dead."  We should only have been so lucky.

 

ACT THREE

Enforcer is out cold; Will gets up, moving stuff off himself and Dr. Smith. Smith is forced by Will to take his hands from over his eyes, Smith still claiming he is dead. There is smoke. Smith says, "We might both be dead but we don't know it."  Smith sees the Enforcer is as cold as the "ice caps of Pluto" and takes his guns. He asks Will, "How many times can they hang me, throw me into a pit of space vipers, and boil me in oil?"  Smith and Will survey the craft from outside. It dark out and there are pointed plants everywhere. Smith says, "This savage land is fraught with peril."  Two Western-like dressed men come with rifles but when they see Smith, thinking he is Zeno, they drop their rifles. Smith pretends to be Zeno and the men run off. On the Robinson planet, Zeno teaches Penny to play Galactic Poker using fire sticks instead of money. Penny gets four galaxies over his four asteroids and wins. On the next game, Robot says, "Warning! He is distributing from the bottom of the deck!"  Penny asks, "Is that bad?"  Zeno makes the Robot go, quickly. Maureen asks Penny about helping with the dinner dishes and makes her go on in and "do them"---gee, what happened to the automatic dish washer machine? Is it inside? Is it broken. THAT would be more exciting than anything else happening in this episode. On the Western Planet, Smith and Will march into a Western Town set in the dark and with flimsy buildings like an old Earth Western Town in the 1800s. Men are there, some being shaved, some barbering, all hiding from Zeno---or who they think is Zeno. Will says, "Gosh, Dr. Smith, you aren't afraid of anything anymore."  They go into a saloon and find free lunch near an Egyptian type statue. Smith orders a Zeno drink from the bar tender--who makes it using stuff from the seven headed dragon of Pluto, space viper venom, the Elixir of the Purple Draconian (DOCTOR WHO connection ?-see FRONTIER IN SPACE from the 1970s seasons) Spider, and the tooth of the triple tailed Tauron Bendersnatch. In the back of the bar are drinks like Galactic Gargle, Bacchian something or other, Scorpicola, and Space Cooler--what a bunch of crap. Smith recounts his past--as Zeno--he is the "kid from Casseopia"  and was raised by a space wolf and a she tiger in a den of Centaurian Crocodiles.

 

It is still night on the Robinson planet. There is a garden very near the doorway. NOTE: It appears the Robinson planet set up  around the Jupiter II changes slightly with each installment--rocks seemed moved, tables are moved, the garden is in different spots--while this happened in the first season, it much more noticeable in the second season. Zeno has been eyeing Judy who is working near the garden tables. She tells him she wishes he would stop looking at her like that. He tells her he once saw the Temple of Aphrodite on the Planet Apollo and Judy is prettier. NOTE: Isn't this a sure clue he is NOT Dr. Smith? He calls her a pussycat, likes the two great big moons that are out tonight-a sign of romance, and picks her a flower. Don arrives and Zeno moves off.

 

Smith is telling the crowd of men and Will the story of his fight with a tribe of Mescalario aborigines whom he has to kill with "old Elizabeth"---what he calls his gun. Will would like to be a super swift but wouldn't like the killing part of it. Just then, Pleiades Pete, a cowboy super swift--with a pot belly, marches through the saloon double doors. He has been known to blast a whole galaxy and killed a man when he was a babe in arms--he says. He insults the miserable pimple of a planet and Smith. This ends up with he and Smith back to back in a draw. Smith follows Pete to the counter of the bar and moves Pete's arm up--and Pete shoots the ceiling. The Sacred Golden Globe of Bacchus (or Vacchus as some of the actors seem to be saying). It falls and knocks Pete out. Smith grabs Will and runs out, hitting the Enforcer who was trying to come in. Will yells, "Dr. Smith, help me up here. These seem to be some kind of electronically powered animals. We can get away on them."  Will is on a giraffe; Smith on a tiger. The men rush out of the saloon and hit the Enforcer down. One says, "They went thataway!"  One of them must be called Dee but I don't care which one. The men, Pete, and Enforcer get on animals--such as zebras, camels, and the like and give chase. The scene of Will and Smith getting on their electronic animals was used to promote LOST IN SPACE as part of the promo reel to LAND OF THE GIANTS and also the ads for Irwin Allen's made for TV movie in the 1970s--THE TIME TRAVELERS---why this was used, I have no idea--it is one of the lowest points in all of LOST IN SPACE scenes. Will can fly the ship and Smith orders him to blast off even if stealing the ship is another supercrime. Enforcer, stupid oaf that he is, shoots his gun at the ship. Pete will let Enforcer take his ship, "Watch it, it slips alittle in second stage."  NOTE: The ship flying off is the same red fireball from THE THIEF OF OUTER SPACE.

 

ACT FOUR    

Zeno threatens Robot. Don and John push a cart of blue ore on the track. They ask Smith to help but he refuses. Don moves to him and calls him a senile delinquent. Zeno chokes and pushes him back. When Don moves at him, Zeno pulls a gun but John hits is down with a bucket he was holding, "What's the idea of pulling a gun?"  Zeno cons his way out it, "Forgive me, dear boy."  Don says, "Beat it, Smith, you make me sick."  They can't figure it. Don says, after Zeno leaves, "All of a sudden I had a feeling it wasn't Smith at all."  They push the cart. Will is calling Smith Zeno again and Smith cannot convince him otherwise. Enforcer follows on the port bow. Day--Penny nurses Zeno who lies on a hammock outside the door of the Jupiter; he calls her an angel; Robot calls her a gullible little girl. John makes Zeno get up out of the hammock, readying him for some work. Smith and Will return. Penny says, "Gosh, two doctor Smiths!"  Don says, "That's two too many!"  Maureen comes out and hugs Will, who is confused over who is who. Zeno made him steal a spaceship, he tells his parents. Smith calls Will a dreadful little boy. John takes Smith's gun as the Enforcer arrives in Pete's spacecraft. Smith runs inside the Jupiter II. Later, the Enforcer has Zeno and Smith with their hands against the rarely seen side of the Jupiter II, asking if Zeno has acted like Dr. Smith for the last two days. He has acted like both. Maureen comes out and on the ramp, asks for John's help--with what I have no idea. The Enforcer questions John, Don, and Will. Don says, "Old Lefty here pulled a gun on me. Dr. Smith would never do that--he's too much of a coward."  Smith turns, "I resent that."  The Enforcer knows the man that was with him--supposedly Zeno is "sneaky, tricky, evasive, and utterly incapable of telling the truth."  Don says, "Now that describes Smith to a tee so you're back where you started."  On the ramp, Will tells about what happened at the Temple of Bacchus despite Smith's hand motion not to. Smith calls him an ungrateful child and says it was just bravura, bluffing. Zeno calls the Robot his bosom companion but Robot says he is not a friend to either Zeno or Smith, who calls him a tinplated traitor, proving the Robot's point--both threatened to destroy him. Judy comes out and onto the ramp, "Lunch is ready."  Smith says, "And high time, too."  Judy looks at Zeno, "You too, Dr. Smith or whoever you are."    "Lunch indeed,"  Zeno cannot think about food at a time like this. Don takes Judy in, "You must be Zeno, Dr. Smith would eat his way to the guillotine."

 

Later, the Enforcer has Zeno and Smith tied back to back and will take both for a trial by ordeal--the rack and dumbscrew (or thumb screw) as the dopey Enforcer seems to say. Don says, "In other words, trial by torture."  Robot says, "That does not compute."  He goes on to say it is illegal and when the Enforcer asks Robot what he knows, Robot says, "I have been programmed for the Galactic Legal Code."  Smith calls him a friend. Robot says, "Negative--I am a friend to neither one of you." 

NOTE: How was the Robot programmed for Galactic Legal Code AND BY WHOM? An alien? The same one who put the Princess in him--see PRINCESS OF SPACE, if you must. There is more to the Robot than meets the eye--some kind of space mystery--that we are never told about (really just the stupidity of the writers as Robot seems to do all sorts of things and know all kinds of things about outer space beings and laws that he shouldn't).

 

Enforcer will then have the two fight a duel according to the Space Federation. Zeno will win. John says, "No, no. No, that means an innocent man will get killed. I can't let you do that."  When the Enforcer claims John is going to interfere, John says, "If that's the way you look at it."  Enforcer will take him in, too and pulls his gun. Don, standing nearby, grabs the Enforcer's other gun and says, "Then you'll have to take me too."  Enforcer groans but Will alerts him to the fact that both Zeno and Smith are getting away. Smith falls loose from Zeno. Both Zeno and the Enforcer blast off, the Enforcer chasing him again. The others free Smith from the left over ropes and get him--their conquering hero--back to the ship. Later, Smith parades around in the Zeno outfit as Will and Robot (with his chess claw attachment on) play chess outside. Robot tells Smith he has seen him run often enough. To prove it, Robot fakes a warning, "Warning! The real Zeno is approaching!"  Smith runs but Robot laughs. Will asks Smith to take off the outfit, "I like you better the way you really are."  Smith is touched, "How sweet you are. I think I'm going to cry."      

 

CLIFFHANGER: Smith (once more wearing the same or similar dark brown shirt and black pants outfit that Zeno stole from him), Will, and Robot hide behind a rock during the day as they hear or think they hear a ruby throated crackle or Krackle--a bird that may be on this planet as well as Earth. They have binoculars. Will is carrying the equipment and lunches as well as tripod. He asks if Smith can carry some; Smith wonders what the youth are coming to. In his youth, he carried what he could to improve his muscles--very well, he states and takes on small sandwich out of the carrying case Will is holding and goes on. Will says, "Thanks a lot,"  sarcastically. In a long shot, Robot and Will follow Smith past a rock outcrop that is shaped like a keyhole. Will notices it and draws Smith's attention to it. Will asks what is it. On a podium of white is a harp like lyre, which Smith explains was played in ancient times. He strums it and vanishes in a blast--after which Will and the Robot are frozen in their spot--or in time, unable to move. Smith descends (BLAST OFF INTO SPACE stock maybe?) down a long vertical shaft of rock. When he appears in a blast of sparks and smoke, he is in a reddish cavern with fire in front of him and behind. There is wind sound and the smell of brimstone. Smith screams, "Oh no, it can't be!"  Behind him a man with a pencil thin moustache and in a red skull cap, cape, and shiny red pants and tunic says, "Well Zachary, you finally got here."  Smith turns, "Good Heavens!"  The devil-like man points, "Haha. Guess again. Haha."

 

TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK SAME TIME SAME CHANNEL    

REVIEW: WORST OF MARS. For a long time, our local FOX station WNYW, a New York City, New Jersey station, continually skipped over WEST OF MARS, while showing the cliffhanger on the end of THE CURSE OF COUSIN SMITH. Once every five years on the round they would show it--I remember one showing being the day I first saw STAR WARS in the year 1977--what a difference. Then I enjoyed WEST OF MARS more. But now...Once more, Will and Smith get off planet...and once more as in THIEF, it is just as silly and boring. Alan Melvin is never really very good and was the weakest character in ALL IN THE FAMILY and is terrible here. Harris does do a good job as Zeno but there is really only a menacing feel when he first captures Smith--and has his mouth covered. Too bad we couldn't get Smith's mouth covered in future episodes. As Zeno, Harris wasn't given enough to do as he was as Daddy Zac in HIS MAJESTY SMITH. John, Maureen, Penny, Don, and Will are all fooled into not knowing which was which--the Smith and Zeno double identity thing is a bit weak and flawed--and has been done better on LOST IN SPACE and other series. No one seems particularly bright in this episode, parts of which were used to promote Irwin's future projects LAND OF THE GIANTS and THE TIME TRAVELERS. Why? The animals are as childish as they can get, the sets are not particularly good, and the script ignores all principal of the Western town being in space. It is pure farce and satire through and through...and not very good farce or satire. The "aliens" look about as alien as THE HONEYMOONERS and the spaceships are laughable. A first season rock or a bunch or first season planet rocks appear on this new planet. For the info for anyone who cares someone named Charles Arthur played Smith's stunt double. The whole Western In Space plot is terrible and I guess the less I go on about this, the better. LOST IN SPACE just continued to sink in quality with no regard for any of the characters, situations, and dialogue. For shame. NEXT-DR. SMITH TAKES THE ADVICE OF HIS NON-FANS AND GOES TO HELL.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This X FILES character's name seems inspired by the Lost In Space Dr. Smith's cousin!

It seems that Chris Carter may be a big Irwin Allen fan and included a few bits of LAND OF THE GIANTS-THE MECHANICAL MAN in MILLENNIUM- Weeds ep.   

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